Where habits and depth can flow together
No one knows you as well as your partner knows you. And because you know each other so well, you also get along more and more easily and fixed patterns and habits get more and more place in your relationship. And so, for example, a distance can grow from each other that you both would not really want at all.
“Beyond the right of one and the right of the other
is a field where you can meet each other.” – Rumi –
Longing for a happy relationship
Whether your relationship brings satisfaction depends to a large extent on how you and your partner deal with that relationship yourself. After all, sometimes we are so absorbed in ourselves by work or other circumstances that there is hardly any time for the other person. Is there still attention for what you have to experience together, and is there still true interest in the other. Sometimes it may be that you have ended up together in a pattern of dealing with each other that does not feel good for both of you and that you would like to get out of together.
Actually, you would like to talk to each other about it, but those old patterns are lurking that are holding you back.
Ground rules for a good conversation
In order to be able to talk to each other, it is of course necessary to start with that that both really want to. And if there is a tense relationship, that is sometimes not the case. Often one party starts sending and the other actually closes itself quickly or also starts sending so that it escalates. The conversation is not conducted out of interest in or concern for the other person but out of one’s own pain, so that reproach often prevails. At such a moment it is better not to enter into a conversation and a while later to agree on a moment where you can start a conversation together. In order to be able to talk to each other, it can be useful to go through a few starting points for having a conversation together.
- There must be sufficient security for the other person to be able to express themselves and for you to be able to listen.
- Don’t engage in a “deep” conversation if one of you is stressed.
- Choose a time together that suits both of them and you cannot be disturbed by work, children or otherwise (turning off the phone, for example)
- Don’t make your conversation a discussion about who’s right and who’s not. Listen to the other person and try to understand the other person’s perspective. A conversation is not a monologue.
- Let each other speak out and try not to interrupt.
- Keep it to yourself and try not to speak in reproaches.
- If you ask questions, do so with an open-ended question (‘how was that?’, ‘What did you think then?’ etc)
- Try to go along with the other person, empathize.
- Let go of your own thoughts and impulses while listening.
- Listen to get to know the other person better, to understand the other person.
If it doesn’t work out what then?
If a conversation does not work out, it may be because you (or one of you) are still very stuck in a built-up pattern and keep falling back into it. Usually we are not aware of it and (old) feelings then come to the surface in the conversation. Unnoticed, those old patterns can cause you to keep running into the same pain points, or that in your relationship a certain pattern repeats itself over and over again. Often you only notice it when you start to get into fights more and more often and then go through life stressed.
If that happens, or if you just want support in creating a moment in your life where there is room to have a good conversation together, please contact me. We will then make an (non-binding) appointment for an exploratory meeting to explore what you want or whether I can support you in this.
Relationship coach locations
I work from Amsterdam, Utrecht, Leiden, Bussum, Eemnes, Bilthoven and Arnhem, Velp or Nijmegen. However, if there is a suitable one in your area, we can also meet there. We always work from a nice coach location!